In the era of blockbuster romantic comedy films, one man was able to do the impossible: discover What Women Want. In the film, the chauvinistic Nick Marshall, played by Mel Gibson, is struggling in his work and family relationships. After a freak accident, he gains the supernatural ability to hear the thoughts of every woman nearby.
He quickly discovers that mind reading opens him up to both possibility and peril. The comedy plays with the idea that, to most men, discerning what women want is more difficult than splitting the atom.
In many ways, church leaders often wish we had a superpower like Nick Marshall’s and could hear the thoughts and desires of our first-time guests. What are they really thinking? What unspoken questions are they wrestling with? Fortunately, when it comes to getting inside the heads of church guests, it’s far less of a mystery. Unlike the fictional world of romantic comedies, real-life ministry offers us practical ways to understand what newcomers are thinking and feeling when they walk through our doors.
Getting into the mind of a first-time visitor
After more than 20 years in pastoral ministry and thousands of conversations with those new to church, I’ve discovered there are consistent patterns in what newcomers are asking themselves. These concerns aren’t merely casual curiosities—they’re deeply personal questions that ultimately determine whether someone walks away or becomes part of our church community.
Understanding these questions has helped us discern how our team can create a truly welcoming church environment.
At a surface level, the kinds of questions asked by those who are new to our church are pretty obvious:
- Where do I check my kids in?
- What is a service like?
- What should I wear?
- What kind of a church is this?
These important logistical questions are ones many churches appropriately answer on their website “About Us” or “Sundays” pages. Some churches even create a dedicated “New Here” section to help people get oriented.
But beneath these practical inquiries lie deeper questions—the ones that guests rarely verbalize but that significantly influence their experience and decision to return. These unspoken questions reveal what guests are truly seeking when they walk through our doors.
Three questions guests are asking
After countless conversations with newcomers, I’ve discovered that nearly every guest is internally asking three fundamental questions.
1. Will this be worth my time?
Most people don’t need one more thing to do. Their lives are packed full with work, kids’ activities, family commitments, hobbies, travel, and grinding through the week.
Even their downtime is often filled with an endless stream of media: YouTube videos, social media reels, television, music, and every form of algorithmic distraction. And if the content doesn’t grab them in the first three seconds, they swipe and scroll on.
Time has become our most precious currency. In a world of constant busyness and mental activity, people instinctively evaluate every experience through this lens:
Is this worth the investment of my limited time?
Church guests are not exempt from this calculation. With so many other options competing for their attention, they’re always, even if subconsciously, asking:
Is that church worth my time?
Would I enjoy it?
Would it help me?
Will I understand what’s going on?
Will I regret giving an hour to it?
The uncomfortable truth is that in today’s culture, churches must recognize they’re not just competing with other churches for attendance—they’re competing with Netflix, youth soccer leagues, and the simple appeal of a quiet morning at home.
What makes this challenge unique for churches is that we’re offering something no streaming service, sports league, or lazy Sunday morning can provide—connection with God and His people. Many guests walk through our doors carrying a spiritual hunger they can’t quite name. They might evaluate church using the same “is this worth my time” metric they apply to everything else, but our opportunity is to help them discover something they can’t find anywhere else.
When we recognize this reality, we stop trying to compete with entertainment and instead focus on creating authentic moments where people encounter the living God.
2. Will I fit in here… really?
A pastor friend of mine once asked an elderly woman who helped lead the senior adult ministry what she’d learned from her years serving in that role. Her answer:
“All ministry is junior high ministry.”
What exactly did she mean by that?
Think back to junior high—that awkward season of profound insecurity, shifting social dynamics, and overwhelming self-consciousness. During those formative years, one concern loomed larger than all the rest: fitting in.
The truth is, we never really outgrow that fundamental human need. Whether we’re 12 or 72, we all want to belong. But here’s the crucial insight many churches miss: People don’t just want to be told they belong—they need to actually feel it.
Here’s the honest tension: as pastors and leaders, we can’t ultimately determine whether guests will feel like they belong. That decision rests with them. Often, it depends on factors outside of our influence—like whether they see others who look like them or whether they share a similar story.
Even though we can’t guarantee a guest will feel at home, we can take meaningful steps to create a genuinely welcoming environment. We can strive to understand and appreciate all kinds of people. We can be intentional about building relational connections between people who might naturally appreciate and enjoy each other.
The goal isn’t to manufacture a sense of belonging, but to cultivate thoughtfully designed spaces where it can take root and naturally flourish as the Spirit moves.
3. How will this help my family?
It’s almost a cliché: I grew up going to church, but kind of drifted away. But now that I have a family of my own, I want my kids to have a good spiritual foundation.
This sentiment—expressed in nearly identical words—reveals something profound about what drives many adults back to church:
Parents are searching for trusted allies in the battle for their children’s hearts and minds.
In a world where children are exposed to moral chaos and confusion, many parents feel overwhelmed. They’re looking for guidance. They want help. They need direction.
Almost every church thinks about helping families at a surface level. They aim to provide a safe, clean, and fun ministry environment for children. But these baseline offerings barely scratch the surface of what families truly need.
Churches that truly understand the weight behind this third question—How will this help my family?—don’t stop at a good Sunday experience. They position themselves as active partners, coming alongside parents in the spiritual formation of the next generation.
Imagine what a church truly fighting for families might offer to parents:
- Healthy and meaningful mentoring relationships with loving, trusted adults (beyond the parents)
- Support and resources to help parents navigate the tough conversations on topics like God, technology, gender, and sexuality
- Encouragement and tools to strengthen marriages and break unhealthy generational patterns
- A context of care and support through seasons of trials and suffering
Understanding these three underlying desires of church guests isn’t as complicated as we might think:
Guests want church to be worth their time.
They want to genuinely belong, not just be welcomed.
And they want support in raising spiritually healthy families.
When churches intentionally address these deeper questions, they create environments where guests don’t just visit once or twice—they return. They become part of the community. And in time, they invite others to do the same.
Editor’s Note: Stay tuned next week for a follow-up article from Luke Simmons where he turns the tables and suggests three questions pastors should be asking their visitors.
Luke Simmons is the lead pastor at Ironwood Church. He coaches leaders, church planters, and pastors, in addition to creating resources and experiences for pastors through FaithfulAndFruitful.com.
