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High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out Hardcover – April 6, 2021

by Amanda Ripley (Author)
4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 1,083 ratings
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When we are baffled by the insanity of the “other side”—in our politics, at work, or at home—it’s because we aren’t seeing how the conflict itself has taken over.

That’s what “high conflict” does. It’s the invisible hand of our time. And it’s different from the useful friction of healthy conflict. That’s good conflict, and it’s a necessary force that pushes us to be better people.

High conflict, by contrast, is what happens when discord distills into a good-versus-evil kind of feud, the kind with an us and a them. In this state, the normal rules of engagement no longer apply. The brain behaves differently. We feel increasingly certain of our own superiority and, at the same time, more and more mystified by the other side.

New York Times bestselling author and award-winning journalist Amanda Ripley investigates how good people get captured by high conflict—and how they break free.

Our journey begins in California, where a world-renowned conflict expert struggles to extract himself from a political feud. Then we meet a Chicago gang leader who dedicates his life to a vendetta—only to find himself working beside the man who killed his childhood idol. Next, we travel to Colombia, to find out whether thousands of people can be nudged out of high conflict at scale. Finally, we return to America to see what happens when a group of liberal Manhattan Jews and conservative Michigan corrections officers choose to stay in each other’s homes in order to understand one another better.

All these people, in dramatically different situations, were drawn into high conflict by similar forces, including conflict entrepreneurs, humiliation, and false binaries. But ultimately, all of them found ways to transform high conflict into something good, something that made them better people. They rehumanized and recatego­rized their opponents, and they revived curiosity and wonder, even as they continued to fight for what they knew was right.

People do escape high conflict. Individuals—even entire communities—can short-circuit the feedback loops of outrage and blame, if they want to. This is a mind-opening new way to think about conflict that will transform how we move through the world.
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  1. Print length
    368 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Simon & Schuster
  4. Publication date
    April 6, 2021
  5. Dimensions
    6 x 1.2 x 9 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    1982128569
  7. ISBN-13
    978-1982128562
  8. See all details
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Editorial Reviews

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"Insightful and enthralling...with a scrupulous eye for scientific evidence that is rare in a book this entertaining, Ripley also explains how it is possible for hardened combatants to leave behind the conflicts that once defined the core of their identity." — New York Times Book Review

"Amanda Ripley has combined skilled reporting, deep research, and riveting storytelling into a stellar work about an urgent topic. At a moment when too many Americans are at each other’s throats, this is the book our country needs." – Daniel H. Pink, author of When, Drive, and To Sell is Human

"Rarely have I read a book as downright clairvoyant as High Conflict. While most of us were raging at the rage in our culture, Amanda Ripley composed a lucid, compulsively readable roadmap to a world in which we can live with one another again. Honestly, I’ll never argue the same way again." – Evan Osnos, National Book Award winning author of Joe Biden

“Ripley brilliantly illuminates the forces driving us to build impenetrable walls between ourselves and differing others, as well as the forces empowering us to build bridges over those walls. The lessons couldn’t be more captivating or timely.” — Robert Cialdini, author of Influence and Pre-Suasion

“This is one of the most important books that will be published in 2021. The COVID vaccine will soon free humanity from a biological pandemic, and this book, if widely read, could free humanity from an equally deadly scourge— high conflict.” – Jonathan Haidt, Thomas Cooley Professor of Ethical Leadership, NYU-Stern School of Business, author of The Righteous Mind, co-author of The Coddling of the American Mind

“The unforgettable stories in this book show how even people who disagree profoundly can still connect with one another and make progress. A book to give you confidence in the future.” – Omar Epps

“A brilliant book that reveals how poisonous showdowns work. But more than just highlighting the problems, Ripley's book also provides solutions. Equally valuable in our personal lives, as in navigating the polarized time we’re living in.” – Jonah Berger, New York Times bestselling author of The Catalyst and Contagious

"Amanda Ripley shows that the same minds that get us into bitter tribal battles can get us out of them. Via riveting stories in diverse settings—urban gangland, a war-torn central American nation, fractious municipal politics—Ripley proves that happy endings can happen in real life." – Robert Wright, New York Times bestselling author of Why Buddhism is True

"The fascinating stories, global history, and dialogue from local politics Ripley includes keep the book moving at a brisk pace... Readers interested in conflict management and negotiation and the decision-making process will be intrigued as Ripley thoughtfully explains the intensities and nuances of conflict, and the crux of high conflict in any setting." — Booklist

"A revealing study of 'high conflict,' the intractable sort that seems to be running like a virus through American society... Ripley’s observations are provocative, and she introduces us to ideas of mediation and problem-solving that would make many people less miserable if put into practice... Students of mediation, social psychology, and conflict resolution will find much of value here."— Kirkus Reviews

"Illuminating. Amanda takes us around the world to understand how people learn to stop demonizing the other side and start agreeing to disagree productively. I think it should be required reading for everyone in politics and the media—and for anyone who’s had a squabble with a colleague or a blowup at a family gathering." — Adam Grant (LinkedIn)

About the Author

Amanda Ripley is the New York Times bestselling author of The Smartest Kids in the World, High Conflict, and The Unthinkable. She writes for The Atlantic, Politico, The Washington Post, The New York Times, and The Wall Street Journal, among other publications.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Simon & Schuster; First Edition (April 6, 2021)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 368 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1982128569
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1982128562
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 1.27 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 1.2 x 9 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 1,083 ratings

About the author

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Amanda Ripley

Amanda Ripley

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Amanda Ripley is a New York Times bestselling author and an investigative journalist for the Atlantic, Politico, the Washington Post and other outlets. Her books include HIGH CONFLICT: Why We Get Trapped & How We Get Out; THE SMARTEST KIDS IN THE WORLD--and How They Got That Way; and THE UNTHINKABLE: Who Survives When Disaster Strikes--and Why. Her work has helped Time win two National Magazine Awards. She writes about human behavior and change.

Customer reviews

4.6 out of 5 stars
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Top reviews from the United States

Holli B.
5.0 out of 5 stars Great book
Reviewed in the United States on March 27, 2024
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This is a good book! It was interesting and very informative. Nothing is every settled in HIGH CONFLICT!
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Family of 5
5.0 out of 5 stars Real, Complex and Compelling
Reviewed in the United States on December 28, 2023
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I saw Amanda Ripley speak at a conference this fall and decided to give the book a try. Like a lot of us, I have worried about how seperate and antagonistic we have become. I am still processing everything I learned as I listened to the book. The narratives of real people dealing with high conflict is real, complex and compelling. There is also a lot of practical information to help identify and understand unhealthy conflict as well as strategies to resist and exit if you are already involved with it. I highly recommend for everyone.
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Tom Cat
4.0 out of 5 stars Thought-provoking and insightful, leaves you wanting more
Reviewed in the United States on July 26, 2022
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This fascinating book clarifies some of the problems with conflict that we often face, and get trapped in, in personal and political spheres. As the writer is a journalist, the strength of the book is in its storytelling. Ripley, partly inspired by family drama she witnessed growing up, has spent her career reporting on serious conflicts around the world, so she has learned how to probe her subjects and readily make insightful connections based on her observations. Across a range of examples, Ripley makes a convincing case that while conflict is necessary and good, we should be on guard for the signs of "high conflict" where each side digs into its position. It is especially difficult, her examples strongly suggest, to see when we, ourselves, are dug into an unreasonable position, especially when the other side is too. It is very hard to find the humility and confidence to be the first to blink.

Some aspects of the book are underdeveloped, while at other points I felt Ripley was too ready to accept her subjects' narratives at face value. I don't understand why she chose to begin the book with the story of Mark Lynas, an environmentalist who "converted" from being a violent anti-GMO activist to a vociferous promoter of GMOs. Lynas doesn't seem to have stepped back from high conflict, but rather to have switched sides, which is not necessarily the same thing. Perhaps his story would have been better cast as an example of a natural-born “conflict entrepreneur" who, while changing his mind, also finds a way to channel his outspokenness less destructively.

I was also surprised that the book's only example of an alternative to adversarial politics was the leadership selection and deliberation practices of B'nai B'rith, a Jewish charitable organization. While its methods are interesting, ultimately it is a self-selected group of co-religionists with no political authority. More relevant to politics, it seems to me, would be the practice of convening juries, including the jury trial system we are all familiar with, but also recent experiments with citizen juries chosen randomly to deliberate public policy. These deserve wider coverage, and I felt it was a missed opportunity for Ripley not to have included them.

Finally, the book (or perhaps a sequel) could grapple more with the specific problem of unequal power relationships and strong ideological commitments, which seem pervasive around the world and especially difficult to unwind. When your opponents in an ideological high conflict have overwhelming power, your decision to give up high conflict can look a lot like a craven abandonment of your own core beliefs. This issue could have been explored in the story of the FARC paramilitary who gave up her ambition to participate in the creation of a Marxist utopia so that she could move to Bogota and raise her child. Apart from granting immunity to FARC revolutionaries who voluntarily entered mainstream society, which, no doubt, was a bold act that demonstrated great humility, it is unclear whether the Colombian establishment had to make any changes at all to the social and economic structure that FARC members wanted to topple. The FARC members, on the other hand, had to admit that their dream was unachievable and join a society they felt was deeply immoral. For some people, that is too much to bear.
14 people found this helpful
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TV Scout
5.0 out of 5 stars VITAL reading - brilliant book!
Reviewed in the United States on April 7, 2023
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Like many, I've become increasingly concerned about the growing polarization in America and all around the world. It's easy to feel helpless watching the world around you fall apart. But this book is a game changer - it's one of those books EVERYONE should read both to understand the problem; but more important to start to navigate a way out. Amanda is an amazing writer who takes you on an emotional journey and along the way educates you in the process. This is what makes her work so unique. The book is an easy read - but it leaves you reflecting at every turn. And the summaries at the end, designed to help you navigate a path forward, are incredibly useful. You're going to LOVE this book - and it'll help make you a better person.
One person found this helpful
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steven
5.0 out of 5 stars So relevant and important for everyone in today's world
Reviewed in the United States on February 3, 2024
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great subject and writing. gave me insights into my own personal conflicts as well as the conflicts affecting the world
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Tomas Aragon
5.0 out of 5 stars Great book for troubling times!
Reviewed in the United States on December 2, 2023
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Great storytelling of high conflict, providing insights, practical tools, and hope for all of us.
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Thomas Wikman
3.0 out of 5 stars Interesting discussion on conflict but with a lot of interpretation and opinion
Reviewed in the United States on June 19, 2021
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“Good conflict” is healthy conflict in which questions get asked, in which there is curiosity and movement in opinions. “High conflict” on the other hand is what happens when conflict devolves into a good versus evil kind of feud. The conflict takes on its own life and draws us in like a tar pit.

The book gives many examples of high conflict and explains how they came to be; the Hatfield’s and the McCoy, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, our current political division, couples getting divorced, gang warfare, guerilla warfare, civil war, etc. The book focuses much attention on Gary, a friendly lawyer who rather solves conflict than benefit from it, as is typically a lawyer’s job. Gary runs for a local office and wins but because he is thinking a little bit too highly about himself and his abilities he by mistake excludes some really knowledgeable, willing and helpful people from what he refers to as “the old guard”, which leads to a high conflict that he himself created. However, in the end he becomes part of the solution. It is a good story.

The author makes a lot of interesting observations such as; we have group belongings, we form factions, we need belonging, giving people two choices is dangerous, a proportional representation system might be better than the current American system, people have biases that inflame conflict such as confirmation bias, and there’s a conflict industrial complex. There are fire starters; group identities, conflict entrepreneurs, and humiliation. Media and social networking can function as conflict entrepreneurs. The areas in Rwanda where the radio reception was better there were more killings.

To escape high conflict, we need to recognize the conflict entrepreneurs around us, avoid excluding and humiliating people, and recognize that people want to be heard. Getting out of high conflict include recognizing a saturation point where people had enough, building new broader identities, reframing the situation, and clear the path for combatants. Welcome former combatants home rather than shaming them. Avoiding conflict involves complicating the narrative from the beginning. Simplifications do damage. I felt all that was pretty good advice.

Then on page 183 a strange claim is made, implying that very few people concerned about climate change would want a “carbon fairy” to solve climate change (that carbon fairy could be nuclear power) because they want to use “climate change” as vehicle for something else. I am volunteering in a climate change organization and I have never met anyone who isn’t part of it primarily to solve carbon emissions. Half are pro nuclear power the other half skeptical about it being a “climate fairy” (I am pro nuclear). Some are pro-capitalists, others more left leaning, a substantial minority are Republicans, and world views are all over the spectrum. So obviously page 183 makes a false claim probably for sensationalistic reasons.

That’s just one dubious claim, but it alerted me to read the book more critically and I realized that the author is far from objective. She definitely wants to promote her ideas and make her book look more interesting. She is doing that by carefully selecting examples and stories, interpreting those cherry picked situations, and there’s a lot of opinions, and who knows what she may get wrong or misreporting? It seems at first to be an authoritative work, but it is not a scientific book. That doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. I believe a lot of what the book claims to be true, but I do not know. It is a journalist’s opinion and interpretation of conflict and it is therefore less than I expected.
64 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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Ronald E. Pizzo
5.0 out of 5 stars What an interesting read
Reviewed in Canada on December 26, 2021
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I work with teams in conflict. This book put words to the things I do to help teams resolve conflict. For me, this was a moving read.
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Shashi Kant Sharma
5.0 out of 5 stars Gives very good insights into conflicts
Reviewed in India on April 6, 2023
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This book gives very good insights into good, low as well as high conflicts. It gives you ways to identify conflicts within you and around your community. And ways to get out of these conflicts and how to stay out of them.

This book will be useful to anyone who wants to improve themselves.
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Massimo Boldracchi
5.0 out of 5 stars Che scrive anche della Fede bahai. Fatto raro e molto apprezzabile
Reviewed in Italy on October 7, 2021
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Tutto perfetto
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E. Coleman
5.0 out of 5 stars Peace on earth!!
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on June 1, 2021
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This book is getting well reviewed in the USA...and is starting to here in the UK. I only knew about it as someone I respect in a zoom group I am part of was going to read it, and recommended we might too. So I am.

It takes you through true conflict stories, and how they are resolved. If you like the stories that is a bonus. It also talks a little about the Baha'i Faith which the author had not come across before...she talks about it as to her it seemed to offer an excellent way to consult and to elect governing bodies.

I am a Bahai...I totally agree with her....but I would I guess! Reading the stories in the book I find alot of the common place attitudes highlighted alien to me (I find myself thinking ...you can't do that!)....but in part this is because I have been a Bahai for over 30 years now. This morning I was in the last section of a zoom about our way of consulting....half those there were not Bahai's. Can I suggest anyone that would like to know more about this to phone up their local Bahais and ask if they know of anyone conducting Ruhi Book10 Unit 2 on Consultation. We welcome a broad range of beliefs at our gatherings...and as this one is about consultation...let's put it to the test!?

As a bonus I find the book dyslexia friendly...cream paper, black print.
2 people found this helpful
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T satyanarayana
5.0 out of 5 stars Need conflict
Reviewed in India on November 17, 2022
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Conflict management is an art,to get the skill we need to involve into conflict.Before taking any action against any person we need understand the others feelings and listen their points that is the main concept of this writer best.It is easy to write non fiction and get close to the readers hearts but author succeeded in that aspect.
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